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Sunday, January 6, 2013

If I am Not in Control, Who Is?

      The first time I was confronted with an uncontrollable situation was when my first born son, Todd became infected in the hospital shortly after birth.  My pediatrician broke the news to me.  One of my twin boys, had a seizure caused by a blood stream infection.  He was the smaller baby, weighing 5 lbs 9 ounces, and was jaundiced indicating his liver was not mature contributing to the fact his immune system fell prey to the germs.
       I was totally bereft.  I wanted two babies.  I had two cribs and two of everything else under the sun.  They moved Todd to the pediatric wing of this small town hospital.  I called my doctor father; he consulted with my pediatrician.  Treatment was begun.  Time would tell.  Hope for the best; prepare for the worst, my dad said.  This was the first time in my life my Dad couldn't fix my was out of his control.
       I did what most of us do in this situation.  I turned to God.  I begged, pleaded, promised......."God do not let my baby die!"
Finally, after a long night of the soul when I paced the hospital halls alone, I came to a resolution.  What if my son would be retarded, or immobile?  Could I handle either of these outcomes?Did I really want to demand God let him live?   I lay my wishes down; God do what is best!
        This was one time I THINK I gave up control, but there have been many, many more times I didn't.  I connived, deceived, and manipulated to have things come out the way I wanted.
        BUT God......he knows our frame; we can't fool him into thinking we trust Him if we don't.  Fortunately, God will give us a do over; another chance to truly trust him.  If we don't; guess what is coming.....another test.  Remember that Bible story where the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for forty years?  Every time there was a test....they failed to trust God.
        CONFESSION: "I don't always trust God with the future, so I do all I can to make things turn out okay."  Priscilla Morrison wrote those words in her book; but I could've written them.  How about you?  I wanted to trust God but instead of listening for his voice I thought I knew what needed to be done and did it.  It's called Pride; and I think Pride is the Evil Twin of Control.  But as we run out of options and our way doesn't work out the way we think it should; we turn to prayer.  Or at least I do.  Then I try to control God! Egads how stupid can I be; I think I know better than God!  I'm afraid that is all too true and I use my prayers to tell Him, the creator of the universe, what to do and how to do it.
         Here are a few verses that tell us God's point of view:
  • A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9)
  • There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel--that will stand (Provers 19:21)
  • There is NO wisdom, NO insight, NO plan that can succeed against the Lord (Proverbs 21:30)
  • You ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that" (James 4:15)
The author says, and I agree, when the Lord teaches us something, usually a test follows. (Just like we school teachers!)  For Priscilla, her 20 year old daughter came down with cancer.  Talk about an uncontrollable situation.  One of my tests was when my father fell and hit his head causing a subdural hematoma.  He was comatose.  I cried, I prayed in desperation I fasted.  I see now, I was attempting to force God to act the way I wanted and restore my Dad to health.  Eighteen months later, Dad died and I had long since given up on him being healed.  I don't know the whys and wherefores of why my Dad died this way; it was not my will, but I trust my Heavenly Father's will.

After sixty-nine plus years of living, I have seen "all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28) in many, many situations.  Painful, hurtful situations.  My life verse is Genesis 50:20, "You intended to harm me but God intended it for good."  Joseph spoke these words to his brothers when it was revealed to them that the brother they sold into slavery was the one in charge of Pharaoh's food supply.  Joseph had come to the realization that all his trials had been preparation for the rescue of his family.

I am not Joseph; but I am an adoptee who was "rescued" and brought to live in a wonderful family.  I have searched to some degree to know my earthly genetic heritage to no avail; but I am at peace....I know my heavenly Father;  I love my earthly brothers and they love me.....I believe we have been gifts to each other. 

To be continued......are you seeing anything in a new way?  I hope so.


Vicki said...

I'm responding to the line where you said that this was the first time your dad couldn't help you with a problem.
Your dad was not only an uncle (my grandmother's uncle), he was a savior to our family. I imagine he was to many, judging by how full his waiting room always was. I have to admit, I was a little afraid of him because going to visit him as a little child often meant getting a shot or some other type of medical treatment that was on the painful side (like getting your tonsils out).
However, from a very early age, I secretly held empathy for him close to my heart. Prominently featured in my grandmother's photo album was a photo of your older brother...a truly beautiful child...who died of meningitis, at age six. Even as a very small child, I thought of how awful it must have been for this man, who had saved so many, to find himself powerless to stop the meningitis that would take his beautiful young son. That always stayed with me and I always thought of it when I saw him. I never said a word, of course, because didn't. I always wondered how he got through that experience.
On another note, I'm glad your son survived!

linpoq said...

Thank you!! I needed this today!!